Depression. Let's talk about it.

It's May!

I'm hoping that this month will be a better one than April. I know blogs should be all happy and perfect, but I'm gonna speak real truth for a minute. I have depression. No, it's not just a bad day or hormones. I'm not just sad. It's real. I think that most people shy away from talking about depression because it is frowned upon in society. It's not dominant in my life all the time, but when it shows up, it doesn't play nice. My husband likes to tell me to "just be happy" or "choose to be happy." Sigh, honey, if it were only that simple. In dealing with this life-long challenge, I decided to do whatever I could to make it better. Here's a few of my attempts:

- Attending the temple often (2 times last month)
- Reading the Book of Mormon daily
- Family, individual, and couple daily prayer
- Attending church regularly
- Drinking green smoothies packed with veggies daily
- Telling myself over and over that I'm going to be happy (didn't work)

Well, in my mind, I've been doing as much as I can to help myself. I have so many good moments, but then the bad outweigh the good during the day. I'll be happy as can be and within about 5 seconds I can be screaming at Etni and ready to punch a wall. I sure am fulfilling the perfect Mormon mother role, aren't I?

The first time I noticed a "problem" with my "sadness" was in 7th grade. I can't tell you how much I HATED middle school. It's absolute hell for a not skinny Mormon girl who tries to keep her standards. I was made fun of constantly for being a "goody goody" and my friends weren't exactly loyal at that age. I had had enough and figured being alive wasn't really the best option for me so I decided to try and relieve myself from the hurt of the world. Luckily, my friend, one of the actual friends, called me just as I was "attempting." He knew something was wrong, I cried to him and he convinced me that I was loved and that I needed to remember that. Thank goodness for Paul that day. I hadn't experienced anything so drastic like that day until October 2008 when I filed for divorce. My now ex-husband called me and told me all about his girlfriend he'd been living with while we were still married (on the weekends when I thought he was with family) and that they were planning on getting married a few months later. It's safe to say that was one of the lowest points of my life trying to accept that he didn't love me even though I gave up my entire future and family to dedicate my life to him. Again, thankfully, I had a friend that I called and within about 3 minutes she and her mother were at my house to help pull me out of what could have been a fatal outcome.

Now, I'm not telling you this to be grim and dark, but to admit that this crap happens. We aren't perfect, but sometimes we try to put on an act that we are. Sometimes life just sucks. But, I'll tell you this much, I won't give up. I won't let dark and scary thoughts take over my life anymore. I am depressed and I'm trying to fix it, but I won't let it win. I do feel overwhelmed almost the entire day, but those few minutes when I can read the Book of Mormon and hug my husband when he gets home from work are the highlight of my day. Now, you'll probably ask why I don't just read more often if that makes me feel better, but it's not so easy. I have to work very hard to convince myself to sit down and read. It's a battle, but again, I'm trying. I won't give up.

I guess this post could seem very odd coming from me, but I just wanted to express how I feel. I want other women to know that if they suffer from depression, don't be ashamed and embarrassed, just remember this:

DON'T GIVE UP. DON'T STOP TRYING.

It's okay to talk to friends about how you feel, if they are willing to listen and are friends that can handle that type of topic. If not, that's okay. Not everyone can openly discuss such a sad subject. I've also had to talk to Heavenly Father a lot. I used to get so angry that He was allowing this to happen, but it's okay. We all have trials and this is clearly one of mine. I'm not dead. I may feel dead inside, but I know He's still there. I know that if I can convince my stubborn mind to get on my knees that He'll comfort me when asked to do so. I am so thankful for the Atonement. There is nothing greater in this life or the next life than the blessings of the Atonement. I know that I'm suffering at the moment and I very well may suffer with depression for the rest of my life, but in the end, all will be well. Christ sacrificed His life so that I could be happy and clean and pure. Some might gasp at me when I say that my testimony and obeying commandments and praying for help isn't enough. Yes, I might need actual medication, but I won't stop using my faith to ask for help. I am currently taking herbal pills that have apparently worked wonders for others. We'll see how they work for me. In the meantime, I'm going to try my best to cope and take care of my family. I'll try to stop crying when I take the garbage out and the bag gets stuck in the can. Yes, I dropped on the stairs and bawled over a stuck garbage bag. Pretty funny, eh? Maybe I should look at this from a humorous perspective? Hmm, I could always try that!

Now, if you've cringed while reading this and are in awe that I would write such an honest and "depressing" (no pun intended) post, I'm sorry. I most definitely am not wanting friends and family members to be embarrassed that I would write such a thing, but hey, it's my blog and I needed to speak my mind. hehe :)

Keep in mind that I'm not always a sad mopey hunk of lard. I still sing and laugh and even CLEAN during the day, but I'm not my true self. She's hiding away and I'd love for her to come back! In the meantime, I'll continue to love my family and my life here in Canada because despite how my mind is acting, life is getting better. Things are looking up for my family and I'm grateful to live here.


So to end my post, I'll ask those who don't suffer with depression to remember this:

Depression is real, please don't downplay it. Don't tell us to "just be happy" or "choose to be happy." Don't tell us to stop whining and complaining. Don't tell us that everyone has problems, not just us- we know. We do not WANT to feel this way, trust me!

And to those who also suffer from depression:

Don't let it win. Keep fighting. You're not alone. Find an outlet. Ask for help. Keep trying and NEVER stop asking Heavenly Father for comfort.